That is the question which runs through my head if ever I think about being pregnant again. The thought of never having a daughter makes me feel so sad and inadequate. I LOVE my sons,but we may never have that mother daughter bond, I may never be the mother of the bride, I may never support my daughter in bringing a new life into this world...and there may never be a pink princess birthday party...well maybe if the boys want one :)
Feeling like this when Flynn was born was really hard, I loved him dearly but don't really remember those few weeks when he was tiny, I was in a bit of haze. I remember feeling like I had failed, all my friends had one of each, the ones who had boys first had a girl second the ones who had girls first had boys. And the pain I felt when people would ask me
"oh you are going to try for a girl"....or "2 boys wow you will be busy"....or my favourite" you don't want a girl they are soooo hard"
How could I feel like this when I had this perfect beautiful healthy little Boy in my arms....how could I be so selfish. I had known of women to go through this but never did I think it would be like this. The guilt I felt when the green eyed monster came out when visiting Friends with girls or the sinking feeling in my heart when I would see a beautiful dress and pretty shoes. Or when I think of how hard some friends had tried for their babies or who had never had babies, or babies who were ill...and I was sad that I had a healthy baby BOY?
You have no idea how it will feel till it happens to you. People say as long as the baby is healthy that's all that matters and if you think otherwise your selfish or ungrateful. So the guilt I felt and the embarrassment I had was eating away at me. Until I spoke up on a parenting forum I use and instantly felt better. The support I got and needed couldn't have come at a better time.
I look back to those first few weeks and feel regret and sadness that I didn't enjoy Flynn more...it wasn't that I didn't love him it was more I felt I had failed in creating this "perfect" little family.
I don't know how I will cope if the next baby is a boy, but at least I know I have the support and love from a group of amazing woman who I cant thank enough.
So for now I am loving every minute of having a house full of boys and I hope one day we will be painting a room pink for our daughter, who will be loved no more or no less than my 2 special little men.
Aw hunny. That was beautifully written. I actually cried on the u/s table when I found out Chop was a boy, i was so sure he'd be a girl and so devastated when he wasn't.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping for a tiny princess for you next time, hey? xoxox
Oh Amber! Thank you so much for sharing that. Yes, it's true- the most important thing is that your baby is healthy, but no one could blame you for wanting a baby girl. They're something special, for sure. I hope you get your little princess next time and if not, I hope you go back again, and again if need be!
ReplyDeleteMwah! Cathy
Aww Amber, sending you a big cyber hug! I just wanted to say that you really have created a perfect family :). You are such a happy family, I see such joy in your boys faces - you have created the perfect family for them :).
ReplyDeleteI do know how you feel having had two boys in a row, it seemed like everyone else had their "one of each" and I was going to be a "mum of boys". I hated people's insensitive comments! I am sending up lots of prayers that you will have a pink bundle next time. But if you have another gorgeous blue bundle, I know you will be just as blessed :)
Love to you,
Trish
Thanks girls. I was actually crying writing it thinking how much it affected me!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope all your prayers and girly vibes help when we go again :)
Mwah x